No Wheels

You know the saying, “Then the wheels fell off!”? That happened to us just over nine years ago–in spectacular fashion! For those not familiar with our story, here’s a brief recap: we both felt called to serve the Lord overseas; we both went as single peoples; we met over there, fell in love, came home and got married, went back overseas to continue serving Him together; we had three beautiful children and eventually felt called to have a fourth child. Each of these moments in our journey is best told in separate posts!! But that brings you up to speed to the moment the wheels went flying in all directions.

God truly blessed us, and we found out we were expecting again with number four. About twenty weeks into the pregnancy, we went for a routine ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender. It’s a day I will never forget. I can still feel the emotion of that day, deep in my soul. It marked a pointed “before” and “after” in our lives.

It’s almost impossible to convey how God prepared us for that moment. Walking into a clinic in the middle of Central Asia, surrounded by sights and sounds that had become familiar and comfortable to us, we talked about those moments in life when God does something or delivers news that forever changes the trajectory of life. We had known some family and friends who had recently walked through some extremely difficult, life-altering times. We also talked with excitement about the gender of this fourth blessing. Would the baby be a boy and balance the scales in our family? Or would she be a girl and leave our oldest the sole male child in our home?

One of my favorite things about my husband is how much we talk and share and wonder out loud together. This day was no different, covering many topics on our way to the clinic. As we checked in and prepared for the ultrasound, neither of us could know what would unfold in the next few minutes.

Being our fourth child and seeing a good many ultrasounds before, when the image popped up on the screen I knew something wasn’t right. The black cavity filling this precious baby’s head and the awkward angle of the spine immediately alerted me that something was different. Through broken English, the technician shared that this was not good. Somewhere in that conversation, he mentioned Spina Bifida, fluid on the brain, and severe case. Somewhere in that conversation, we asked him if this precious baby was a boy or girl.

A boy. A baby boy, formed in the secret place of the womb by a magnificent Creator. Yet, we both already knew that I was carrying a boy; even knew his name. For in preparation for this moment, God had graciously given us a name already. And that, too, is another post in our journey!!

The tech printed pictures, we paid for the visit, and in ten minutes or less we were standing on a busy street outside the clinic. That scene is etched in my mind. I can still hear the traffic and smell the mingling of exhaust and fresh bread cooking. We simply stopped and looked at each other, knowing that our lives had forever changed. We had just experienced that very moment we had talked about just minutes before on the way to the appointment. That moment when God obliterates the path you are currently on and literally picks you up and sets you on a wholly different path.

Much happened in the next few moments: tears, prayers, calls to the States in the middle of the night, disbelief, questions, and PEACE. We drove home, greeted our three children (ages 6, 4, 2), told them they were having a brother, rejoiced and laughed and cried, and went to dinner to celebrate. They had no clue how much life was about to change for them. They simply knew that God was adding a baby brother to their clan. We knew in an instant that God was moving us off the field, as we could never care for this child in the places we had lived. We knew that this precious baby would need care in ways we had never known. We knew that everything we had ever known as a couple and family was forever changing.

God was not surprised by any of this! Though our lives had been seemingly derailed, these events were a part of His plans and His purposes. We trusted that God had set this in motion, for our good and His glory. I must, at this point, give credit to John Piper for keeping these truths ever before us. In those days, we listened to a sermon series by him out of the book of Romans. Those sermons and passages of Scripture reminded us that our Sovereign Lord is a firm and steady foundation, even in the midst of great darkness.

The next weeks were a whirlwind of calls, appointments, packing, doctors in several countries, fear and trust, joy and sadness, wrestling and peace, all mixed up together. What did we cling to? “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 ESV).

That was just over nine years ago. Within a week, we landed in the States and never set foot again in that beautiful place we called home.

The wheels flew off!! In all directions.

If I’m being honest, I’m not sure we ever found a good set of wheels again. Some days I still wonder what we’re doing. Life changed. There is very distinctly before Jonathan and after Jonathan. There is very distinctly life we lived overseas and the life we now live in the States. There is very distinctly how we once served the Lord and how we now serve the Lord.

Our story is not unique. I’d venture to say that all of you have a moment that comes to mind in your life. A moment when everything changed. How I pray, though, that we are testimony that one CAN hold fast to the Lord and keep going, even when the wheels roll down the hill and your wagon is sitting unmovable. It’s not easy. It doesn’t look pretty. The path is certainly not straight. But, eventually, after a season of immobility, the wagon can move again.

Now, years later, I see our life as a patchwork of new wheels. One is round and efficient at rolling along. Another wheel is actually square and makes a horrible bump with each rotation. One is wide and able to handle all kinds of terrain. I’m pretty sure we are still missing one! And through the years, the wheels have fallen off time and time again. But the Lord is always faithful to give us new ones. God has taken care of us in innumerable ways.

As far as wagon trains go, we would probably be the laughing stock of the bunch. Much slower. Awkward. But you won’t find us sitting still. Just as Paul said in Philippians, we press on toward the goal.

“But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus…Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved.”

Philippians 3:13b-14; 4:1 ESV

Enduring.

Persevering.

My eyes look to heaven now more than I ever did nine years ago. I have fixed my gaze on the finish line. He is my goal. He is my hope. God has provided the strength and ability to keep going. He fills our hearts and minds and souls with a picture of Him that is so grand, we keep pressing on toward that day we will see Him face to face. Oh, what a day that will be!

I’ve been in 1 Peter the last couple of weeks. I could quote the entire book here! It’s so rich with these truths.

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”

1 Peter 5:10-11 ESV

Friends, fix your eyes on Him. Keep moving, wheels or no wheels.