Confessions

Before I share anymore of our story, I thought it would be fun to share a little more about me. When I think of all the little parts of my journey, I’m still amazed. I’m awestruck that the God of the universe would choose someone like me. After all, I know myself better than anyone else! I so often fail miserably. Everyday I smile some and cry some, but I don’t truly laugh often enough. Oh, how I need to laugh more because laughter is so good for the soul. Here are a few little known facts and personality quirks about me. Some who know me well will surely laugh at some of these. This is my confession, of sort:

1. I am not a planner. I’ve lived my whole life really wanting to be a planner, even striving for that at times. I make lists. In fact, I’ve got quite a few of them scattered on my desk right now! And I do cross things off my lists. But, at the end of the day, I don’t plan well. I’m the one with organized chaos on my desk, and I know exactly where to find what I need. My children sometimes move my piles out of the way, and it messes up my “system.” When all the doctor appointments started and as the kids got older, I had to find a way to keep up with everything. I tried a good many options and really wanted to go digital, but it just didn’t jive with me. I found that a good, old-fashioned wall calendar has helped me more than anything. That is, if I remember to write it all down at the beginning of the month!
2. Our kitchen sink ALWAYS has dirty dishes. Always. And You will probably see a pile or two of clean clothes sitting on the couch waiting to be folded. Even with piles of clean clothes and dirty dishes in the sink, I will still let you in the door if you come by for a visit! I wish we could keep these everyday things more neat and tidy, but I just haven’t found a good rhythm to the kiddos unloading the dishwasher, dirty dishes going in, run a load, then give it some time to air out. I’m certainly open to suggestions! Did I mention that we have six mouths consuming throughout the day? And, yes, dishes still pile up even with the use of paper plates.
3. I’m not a fan of routine. So, basically my kids simulatneously love and hate me. When I want to do something on a whim, they run out the door with me! However, I think there is a part of their hearts that would love a little more structure than I have provided. Maybe I’ve ruined them for life. Fairly early on, I found a good work around in our home school. We had a general list of subjects to cover everyday, but each child could choose the order they wanted for the day. We also set aside at least one day to change things up and do something different. It helped. The irony in all of this? God gave us a son who requires a good bit of routine in his day, from a medical and care perspective. I can’t tell you the number of times that my husband and I have looked at each other at the end of another day, just knowing that we will get up tomorrow and do it all over again. Though it’s not always easy, it is an honor. And, most days, Johnnie keeps us laughing or declares, “”I want to hug you forever and ever!”
4. I love music. All kinds. Worship is my favorite, but I’m pretty sure that I have a rapper buried in me somewhere.
5. Believe it or not, I once communicated at a higher level. Even before Johnnie was born, I learned how to simplify, slow down, and restate for a couple of our children who have different processing needs. Now, my communication constantly evolves in order to compensate for Johnnie’s developmental delays and processing needs. I sometimes find myself searching for words that are buried deep in the recesses of my mind. But I’m ok with that. Who do I need to impress anyways? Except I do get a little nervous every time I write one of these posts because I know surely one of you grammar-loving folks is ripping it to shreds! Oh well.
6. I never used grocery pick up until the pandemic hit. I will never go back. It saves me both time and money. I’m so very thankful that our local Aldi added grocery pick up.
7. I’m a procrastinator. Again, this is not something I’m proud of. If you could talk to my parents, they would tell you that I’ve always been a procrastinator. How many papers did I write the night before they were due? Honestly, probably every single one. I will put something off until I know the deadline is upon me. Do I wish I could change? Yes. Have I tried? Yes. Do I now realize that this is a part of who I am? Yes. But I still feel like I need some sort of support group at times!
8. We are far too familiar with Peppa Pig, Daniel Tiger, Ryan’s World, Blippi, and Blue’s Clues than I care to admit. These characters make it into our daily conversations with Johnnie. There is a fine line in our home between reality and make-believe. We will just leave it at that.
9. A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Alopecia. I can testify that hair loss is real. In a year’s time, I have lost well over half of my hair. There is a constant cycle of loss and growth. No cure. Some people eventually lose all of their hair. I don’t know when mine will stop, if ever. There is definitely an emotional aspect to all of this. It’s very difficult to lose a significant amount of hair every time you brush it or wash it or pull it back. I’ve always loved wearing my hair in crazy, fun ways. It’s something that brings me joy, but I’ve had to lay that down for right now. It’s taken some time, but the Lord has given me a great deal of peace. He actually used my hair loss to address a couple of heart issues in my life, and I’m grateful. He is showing me long-forgotten ways to find joy, with writing being one! I don’t share this for any amount of sympathy, please, but for three reasons: 1. To raise awareness; 2. As a reminder that we are not home yet. Hair will come and go, just as the flower fades. Praise the Lord that we have an eternal inheritance through His Son, Jesus!; 3. Remember, that hasty grocery clerk, that friend you haven’t heard from in a while, that driver who cut you off, that receptionist at the dentist–you never know what the people around you are facing.
10. Guilt is my biggest nemesis. Guilt is what keeps me up in the middle of the night. I have to fight to hold my thoughts captive, but so often I lose this battle. Am I doing enough? Should we have done this? Will he ever be ready? Have I modeled that behavior for her? Could we be helping more? When the guilt feels heavy, that’s when my journal comes out and I start pouring it all out before my Father. I pick up the Bible and pray Psalms back to the Lord. I turn up the worship music and sing and dance like no ones watching. He’s always been so good and faithful to me.

This morning I read these words by Rachel Jankovic, “Look to Christ. He is not just enough; He is more.” Regardless of all my personality quirks, this will always be my testimony. It is only by His grace that I am who I am (2 Corinthians 12:9). It is only because His mercies are new every morning that I can face each new day (Lamentations 3:23). He is more.