I’ll never forget the first time that I held each of our babies in my arms. A deep and fierce love rose up in me. I’m not an especially “lovey” person, but I do remember this overwhelming feeling of devotion that wanted to . . . Guard. Protect. Defend.
I’ve been thinking back on those moments, when each of our precious and unique children entered our lives. Their stories are different and varied. How they came into this world and introduced themselves to us. How they gave us an inkling of their personalities, even in those early days. But one thing is certain . . . I wish I had held them more. Held them longer. Can you ever get enough baby snuggles?! Communicated in those early years, through hugs and kisses and touches and cuddles, just how great is our love for them.
Especially from my perspective now, with two of those “little” kiddos towering over me, I want them to know, more than ever, how much we will always love and fight for them.
Those early years are hard and exhausting and delightful all bundled up in the same glorious package. I always look back in hindsight, filled with self-doubt, wondering if I did enough. But on my clear-headed days, I believe that I did my very best to cherish the moments of love and laughter and growth and discipline with our three oldest.
Then along came our youngest, Johnnie. And a new word entered my vocabulary . . .
Advocate.
From 20 weeks pregnant on, everything about his pregnancy, delivery, and life has been different than the others . . . Anything but typical.
My one and only C-section delivery.
Whisked away to hours of surgery on day one of life.
A 47-day stay in the NICU.
We couldn’t even hold him in our arms until day 46. No true skin-to-skin contact, without pillows or supports, until day 46 of Jonathan’s life. I will never, ever forget that day and how it felt to hold him in my arms for the first time. Something I had definitely taken for granted previously.
Wound care, surgeries, medical appointments, and therapies filled up the first year of his life.
During those days, we simply put one foot in front of the other.
Did the next thing.
Who am I kidding? That’s still how we live.
Advocate. After the birth of Jonathan, my understanding of this simple word grew in depth and richness.
According to Merriam-Webster, an advocate is “one who pleads the cause of another; one who defends or maintains a cause or proposal; one who supports or promotes the interests of a cause or group.”
The idea is standing for and with someone else.
We’ve always done this for Johnnie. We ask him tons of questions to dig out from his mind how he is seeing and understanding the world around him. We repeat the same answers thousands of times to help his mind grasp and understand things. We speak for him when he can’t quite get his words straight. We tell his story to others, in hopes that they, too, will marvel at the loud, rambunctious, sweet, rolling miracle that he is.
As the other kids grew, our advocacy grew too. As we discovered their needs, we also stood for and with them in those needs. I will always plead the cause of each of my children. Not just for their good, in and of itself. Rather, because I believe each of their lives were designed and created by God, sustained even now by the very same One who created them.
“For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible . . . all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together” (Colossians 1:16-17, ESV).
He created them. Each of them, with their hair color and personalities and temperaments and learning struggles and varying heights and even that tiny spot that was left open and went unclosed in the formation of Jonathan’s neural tube that formed his spine . . . an opening that wreaked havoc and destruction on the nerves below . . . all before I even knew I was pregnant.
Yes, our Creator God created each of their precious lives. They have value because He believed they were worthy of creating.
I have found with our oldest three that my job transitioned from advocating for them to teaching them how to advocate for themselves. Jonathan is different. He will always need us to advocate for him. To speak up on his behalf. To stand with him. For him.
What is to be done for those who cannot speak up for themselves? A person incapable of articulating the things happening to them and around them. A person unable to verbally speak the words necessary to communicate needs and feelings. A person unable to fully mentally process their world.
We provide Powers of Attorney, Guardians Ad Litem, Caregivers, Advocates.
A person looking out for, representing, even speaking on behalf of another person’s best interest.
A story of abuse inside a Special Ed class recently hit the news again. These stories always hit me like a bullseye, straight to the heart. It’s the stuff of some of my worst nightmares.
We entrust Johnnie to Special Ed teachers and assistants every single school day. Have been for a good many years now. Teaching in these classrooms is NOT for the faint of heart. It is hard, grueling, frustrating work. I like to think there are rewards along the way, but those rewards can sometimes seem few and far between.
Though Johnnie is quite articulate, he would never be able to fully communicate a situation of abuse to us. Or even instances of bullying. He wouldn’t even fully understand the malintent.
When we moved Johnnie to the county school system this year, our daughter was in tears on behalf of her brother. She grieved that he wouldn’t even know if other children were making fun of him because he would just laugh along with them. It broke her tender heart so much to think of a situation like this involving her brother.
Oh Father, please guard our son when we aren’t there to stand up for him.
Our Johnnie needs us. In a way that none of our other children need us.
He depends on, relies on, looks to us daily.
I don’t pretend like he’s easy peasy all the time. I know better. I absolutely love when he grabs my neck and wraps me up in his arms while declaring, “I want to hug you forever and ever!” But, I also know well that he can be sweet and cuddly one minute and screaming and hitting the very next. Emotional whiplash. And there’s no reasoning with him or helping him see more logically in that moment. In fact, when he sets his mind on something or determines that he’s at his limit, there is no amount of anything that will change his mind at that time. Occasionally, hostage-level negotiation will help. But it will only get you so far with him.
In spite of all the hard and difficult parts of raising Johnnie, I will still choose to stand for and with him every single day.
His advocate.
My understanding of advocacy recently grew when Jeremy and I read the book Gentle and Lowly together. One of the chapters discusses Christ as our Advocate. Building off of 1 John 2:1, Dane Orlund explains that an advocate does more than mediate between two parties. An advocate literally aligns with another or “steps over and joins the one party as he approaches the other.” Essentially, Jesus steps in and expresses “deep solidarity” with us. He wants to stand with us and speak up on our behalf.
We have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.
1 John 2:1
There is a part of me that relates to this kind of advocacy, to a degree. Even on Johnnie’s worst day, I want to cross over the chasm, step into his world of ear-piercing screams and hard-hitting slaps and mind-jolting headbutts, so I can try to understand him in order to help others understand too.
We, too, have an Advocate. Picture the great throne room in the heavenly realms, the Most High God seated in unimaginable splendor. And there, seated to His right, is Jesus. Jesus is the One who gives us access the throne. He paid the penalty for our sins and went to His death in our place. Not only that, He then clothes us in His own righteousness. When the Father looks at us, He sees Jesus.
As our Advocate, Jesus steps across the chasm of all our sin and rebellion and stands with us. He speaks for us. He literally comes to us and then brings us to the Father, not leaving us alone, but standing with us and declaring us righteous. Oh, glory be to God who made a way for us!!
How thankful I am that Jesus is our Savior. Lord. Creator. Sacrifice. Redeemer. Intercessor. Righteousness.
And Advocate.
A Thousand Little Deaths 